Four years have past since that harrowing day when we hosted a porn shoot. And still, it keeps haunting us. The aftermath of the shoot left me with images engraved in my brain that I don’t wish upon anyone. But if you want a hint of an idea for what I’m talking about I’ll just say that watching the producer shave some guys back hair off in my shower right before he “performs” on our couch is just the tip of the iceberg here. The shoot was supposed to be six girls and two guys. That was the deal. However, 15 girls piled into the house and started lighting up cigarettes like they were at a bar in the 90’s. It was like babysitting a bunch of really trashy teenagers. But the point of this story is not to complain. The point of this story is to talk about the shocking discovery that happened many years later.
When the shoot was over my roommates and I agreed we would never watch the porno. No good would come of that, it would just make us relive the worst day in our house to date. So we never did. Three years later I was on tour and the story got brought up. Our bass player asked what the name of the porno was called and I told him. Within minutes he had a free four-minute clip of the porno pulled up on his computer. Of course our tour manager called everyone in the crew over radio to come watch. Bullets of sweat began to pour out of my face. I didn’t want to see it but I was super curious.
He hit play. Everyone watched and it suddenly occurred to me that the band/crew had not seen my house yet. So all I could think was that they were judging my house based on what they were seeing so I kept yelling out “Those aren’t my curtains!” and “That’s not my rug!” and “We don’t have that many candles!!!!!!” None of them cared or even heard me.
And then something awful happened. While in the foreground of the shot an extremely large woman with a bleach blonde buzz cut and cat paw print tattoos up her arm (who apparently is a “freelance writer – yes, you better believe I got to chatting with her) was going down on this guy (she was also the first one to pop her top off when the director yelled action.. a little too excited for this shoot I reckon), in the top left corner a bit out of focus but definitely visible was a photo of two brothers from one of my favorite bands. I’m omitting the names but if you know me at all, i’m sure you can guess who it is.
You see, it was my roommate’s birthday and my other roommate and I got him tickets to see these Brothers but the tickets hadn’t arrived so instead we took a photo of them and wrote the details of the show on the back. We then propped the photo in the mirror by the front door in the living room as a reminder. When the art director was going around swapping out all of our photos and pictures in the room, he must have missed one. And as a result, these Brothers are now technically in a porno that was shot at my house.
The third and final part of this saga happened when three months later we were on tour with the Brothers and my tour manager waited until we were all in the same room and forced me to tell them this very story. I broke out in hives. He has the whole thing on tape.
**Just so everyone knows, this is what our living room ACTUALLY looks like.