Tag Archives: california

Porn or Yours?

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There’s a really fun game that we played one year at our Superbowl party called “Porn or Yours.” It’s where your friends guess if objects in your living room are yours, or for porn.

Let me explain.

A week before the Superbowl my roommates and I were talked into having a porn shoot at our house (a friend of a friend of a friend..don’t judge). Anyway, we decided to do it. $1000 bucks cash for one day of shooting in our living room? How could we resist? The shoot was on a Wednesday. The Art Director came in with his crew and they rearranged all of our furniture and re-decorated. After they were finished setting up he got a phone call saying the shoot had to be rescheduled. (I’m trying to keep this as PG as I can, so let’s just say one of the girls wasn’t allowed to work because she failed a certain required test.) They needed to reschedule for the following week so they would have time to find a new “actor.” He offered us an extra $500 if we would keep our house set up the way it was. Obviously we accepted. And then we realized we were having a Superbowl party that coming Sunday.

Our living room now had glass roses on the mantel, a wire mannequin with disco balls inside, a weird elephant candle holder (which we kept), floral wall decals on the fireplace and cheesy pillows and candles everywhere. (If those decorations don’t say “Superbowl Sunday” then I don’t know what does.)

The rules were simple: point to an object and decide whether it was pre-owned, or for the porn shoot. Needless to say, “Porn Or Yours” was a huge hit.

The game was actually a bit of a challenge at times. There was a rod with metallic like strings coming out the top of it. Our friend confidently said, “Porn!” but alas, it was ours.  (Apparently cat toys resemble other types of toys, too.)

Oh and by the way – DON’T EVER HAVE A PORN SHOOT AT YOUR HOUSE. I am scarred for life and will never look at my couch again without thinking of that dreadful day. Apologies to the people reading this who have come to stay but didn’t previously know this story.

I was however really excited about the glass roses because I was hoping to recreate The Bachelor Season 11, but no one else was interested.

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The Pessimist’s Guide to Runyon Canyon.

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If you want to go on a hike in LA, one of the most popular places to go is Runyon Canyon.

Let’s start from the beginning of the “LA version” of a good hike: finding parking.

It doesn’t matter what time of day you go, you will drive around for 45 minutes looking for parking. I don’t know how many times (three) I’ve attempted to go for a hike, got pissed that I couldn’t find parking and ended up going to the In-N-Out Burger that is conveniently located just down the street instead in my workout clothes.

Once (if) you find parking and you begin your hike, there are some things to note:

1) It smells like dog shit when you first walk in. You will get used to it.

2) The entire time you’ll see idiots running up and down the stairs. Just ignore them.

3) You will think you’ve made it to the top and you will take a deep breath. And then you will realize there is one final stretch of stairs. (This is the point where my roommate once cried.) You will most likely tell the person you are with who made you come with them to go to Hell (sorry about that, Chad).

4) When you get to the top you’ll realize the entire hike only took 15 minutes and you will be annoyed that it really wasn’t that hard of a workout.

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It is however pretty great for people watching. I’ve seen a man sprint up the stairs wearing flip flops. I’ve seen a guy carrying a 95 pound snake named Zeus (find him on instagram @snakegod). I’ve seen a dude in a floor length fur coat carrying a boom box and singing at the top of his lungs while walking 6 dogs. And I’ve seen Gerard Butler. You’ll also see men wearing button up collared shirts on their phones and then you’ll see people like me who also look like they don’t belong.

I know this is the pessimist’s guide and I just listed off a bunch of shitty things about it but there are some good things to note as well:

1) There’s food and water available to you before you head in that runs on the honor system.. (put a dollar in the box if you take something)

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2) There is free yoga at the bottom of the hike. 

3) On a clear day it really does have great views of the city.

4) There are tons of dogs. Everywhere.

5) If you go when it isn’t busy and you take a book you can sit and read for hours.

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Beatles Monopoly

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My place in Santa Monica was lovely. It was a brand new studio with a walk in closet, balcony and 5 blocks from the beach. The only problem was everything else about the building sucked.

My neighbors across the hall were right out of high school, as were most of the people there. It basically turned into a frat house every weekend. The two people in the apartment next to mine would either be screaming at the top of their lungs at each other or having really loud sex, both of which the song “Smooth Operator” would be playing faintly in the background. The couple that lived below me would fight constantly as well. From what I could hear, he hated her because she was an alcoholic..but he cheated on her and caused her to drink. Also, in the year that I lived there I experienced an earthquake, a fire, a tsunami warning and a bomb scare.

It was around 7 AM when I heard a pounding on my door. I just figured whoever was pounding had the wrong apartment (they all look the same anyway). So I stayed in bed. The pounding didn’t stop so I got up and ran to the door. I looked through the peephole and saw a man standing in a LAPD Bomb Squad outfit. I opened the door and was told there was a bomb in the building and I needed to evacuate. He told me to get out so I grabbed my purse and ran out. I ran to my friend’s door on my floor to get her and we both went outside. We contemplated taking her cats with us but I decided there was no time*

There was a 7-11 right down the street so we went in to get some snacks while the bomb squad investigated the “suspicious package” in our building. (The people that lived in the building were the worst and as soon as I heard there was a bomb in the building I immediately assumed it either came from one of them or was meant for one of them.)

While I was checking out at the register I saw that they had Beatles Monopoly for sale. I had been wanting that game for a long time but never had the time to go out and get it. I was seriously considering purchasing it when I looked down and saw that I was still in my boxers. If the building did actually blow up, I would have nothing except the clothes on my back, my purse..and Beatles Monopoly. I immediately put it back on the shelf and left the store. A few hours later they realized the “suspicious package” was of no harm. We were let back into our building and I was pissed I didn’t buy the board game. I still don’t have it.

My building made national news. It was a story that ran on the news cutting between Obama accepting the Nobel Peace Prize and a car chase in Texas.

*There has been some discrepancy between my friend and I with who decided there wasn’t enough time to take the cats. I think that she wanted to put the cats in the cages and take them with us but I said there wasn’t enough time..and she thinks I was the one who wanted to take the cats but that she said there was no time. At this point there’s no telling who said what..but what I do know is that one of us a real bitch.

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LAX>NRT

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When I first moved to LA I lived in Santa Monica. My balcony faced west towards the ocean and all day long I would see plane after plane take off from LAX and head off out into the ocean. I had never realized how many flights there were heading to Asia every day. Literally like 20 planes every morning would leave LAX and head west. In my head I figured they were all going to Tokyo, I have no idea why I thought they were all going to Tokyo, I guess they could be going anywhere in Asia or even Australia, but Tokyo was the only city that came to mind. It really inspired me to go because it was made apparent by all of these flights that I was seeing that every airline flew there and that there were about 100 flights a day to choose from.

A few weeks later I had a flight to catch to New York. We took off and when I looked out the window we were flying over the ocean heading west. New York is east..not west. I had a minor internal freak out. Thank god I realized then, that all planes must take off over the ocean and then loop around before I called over a flight attendant to make sure I was on the right flight.

It definitely took the fun out of watching the planes everyday from that point on, knowing that instead of going to Asia, most of these planes were probably just going to Vegas or Dallas/Fort Worth.

I still haven’t been to Tokyo, and I think we all know why.

Ryan Gosling Doesn’t Drink.

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One day I saw this guy walking his dog on my street as I was pulling into my driveway. He said hello as I got out of my car and we started chatting. For the first few minutes of our conversation I was convinced this guy was Ryan Gosling. We were sort of far away from each other and it was really bright out so I couldn’t see perfectly. Towards the end of the conversation I introduced myself. I was expecting him to say Ryan, so when he introduced himself as [insert name here that isn’t Ryan] I of course, forgot it immediately.

I was hoping I would run into him again, because Ryan Gosling or not, he was really cute. (I googled if Ryan Gosling had a brother or a twin..turns out – he does not.)

Cut to a few months later on a Sunday morning in early September. My roommates and I were all severely hungover from a night out of drinking and dancing at Cherry Pop (best gay club for dancing in LA)..It was obvious that we needed Taco Bell to help nurse our hangovers. I volunteered to go. As I was walking down the driveway (makeup still on from the night before, tank top, boxers, nike dunks..I have definitely looked better) the sun was so bright and I was so disoriented that I missed a step but caught my fall on the railing. As soon as I looked up I saw Ryan Gosling walking toward me with his dog. Our conversation went something like this..

RG: “Hey!”

Me “Hey! How are you?”

RG “Good, I’m so tired though..I did not want to get out of bed today.”

Me “Oh I know how you feel. You’re hungover?

RG “Actually I was just up late working, I don’t drink.”

– – Awkward pause – –

Between the unforeseen turn that the conversation took and the fact that I was going to faint if I didn’t get Taco Bell into my system ASAP – I had to get out of there. I don’t remember exactly what happened next but I think I said something like “Welp, gotta go!” and ran for my car.

As I was going through the drive thru I realized that we don’t have much in common.. and that he doesn’t look that much like Ryan Gosling. Such a shame.

Of course after that day, I ran into him about twelve times that next week.

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LOST. and DUMB.

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A few winters ago I was flying back to LA from being home for the holidays. I had a window seat and two girls sat next to me in my row. The girl next to me said she liked my ring. It was one of my sister’s rings. (www.octoberanniversary.com)

I thanked her and told her about my sister’s company and gave her a card. She told me she was on her way back to LA from Madrid. I had just traveled there that summer so we chatted about Spain and I told her all about my trip to Europe.

I was in a great mood because I had just moved to LA that fall and was doing an internship at a production company that I loved. I told her all about it and how I was basically living the good life in sunny Santa Monica and blah blah blah. I talked about myself for about an hour straight.

We landed in LA and as I was getting off the plane a guy came up to me and said “how was it?” all excited. I had no idea what he was talking about. He pulled out a book and opened it to the first page that had an autograph on it and told me that the girl I had been talking to was Michelle Rodriquez. Nothing about that name rang a bell so I stood there blankly. He told me she was in Lost and most recently, Avatar, both of which I had never seen, but had obviously heard of.

At baggage claim I was re-living our conversation and started to feel faint when I realized that while I was talking about youth – hosteling it up in Madrid, she was probably doing a red carpet premier there for Avatar. And while I was bragging about my awesome INTERNSHIP in the entertainment industry, she, an actress in one of the biggest movies of all time, was nodding and smiling along.

I was standing next to the guy when she showed up to get her bags. He thanked her again for the autograph and I stood with my mouth open, trying to get out the words “sorry.” She laughed and thanked me for my sister’s card and left.

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Hotel Cafe – Hollywood, CA USA

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Hotel Cafe has all of the qualities of a great venue: dim lighting, stiff drinks, attractive people due to the dim lighting, good décor and great music that sounds good.

I recently saw the Barr Brothers perform there. Brad Barr, the singer, asked the audience if anyone by any chance had a guitar slide that he could use. A guy close to the front stood up and handed one to him. He played the song with the slide and then returned it to the owner. He explained after the song that normally when he asks that question – no one does – and he gets to look cool by using his lighter to play the song. I felt cool just by association even though I didn’t know the guy, nor do I own a slide myself. But still.

I also love that the entrance is in the alley and that they put a Christmas tree up around the holidays.