Tag Archives: porn

Porn Or Yours: Part II

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Four years have past since that harrowing day when we hosted a porn shoot. And still, it keeps haunting us. The aftermath of the shoot left me with images engraved in my brain that I don’t wish upon anyone. But if you want a hint of an idea for what I’m talking about I’ll just say that watching the producer shave some guys back hair off in my shower right before he “performs” on our couch is just the tip of the iceberg here. The shoot was supposed to be six girls and two guys. That was the deal. However, 15 girls piled into the house and started lighting up cigarettes like they were at a bar in the 90’s. It was like babysitting a bunch of really trashy teenagers.  But the point of this story is not to complain. The point of this story is to talk about the shocking discovery that happened many years later.

When the shoot was over my roommates and I agreed we would never watch the porno. No good would come of that, it would just make us relive the worst day in our house to date. So we never did. Three years later I was on tour and the story got brought up. Our bass player asked what the name of the porno was called and I told him. Within minutes he had a free four-minute clip of the porno pulled up on his computer. Of course our tour manager called everyone in the crew over radio to come watch. Bullets of sweat began to pour out of my face. I didn’t want to see it but I was super curious.

He hit play. Everyone watched and it suddenly occurred to me that the band/crew had not seen my house yet. So all I could think was that they were judging my house based on what they were seeing so I kept yelling out “Those aren’t my curtains!” and “That’s not my rug!” and “We don’t have that many candles!!!!!!” None of them cared or even heard me.

And then something awful happened. While in the foreground of the shot an extremely large woman with a bleach blonde buzz cut and cat paw print tattoos up her arm (who apparently is a “freelance writer – yes, you better believe I got to chatting with her) was going down on this guy (she was also the first one to pop her top off when the director yelled action.. a little too excited for this shoot I reckon), in the top left corner a bit out of focus but definitely visible was a photo of two brothers from one of my favorite bands. I’m omitting the names but if you know me at all, i’m sure you can guess who it is.

You see, it was my roommate’s birthday and my other roommate and I got him tickets to see these Brothers but the tickets hadn’t arrived so instead we took a photo of them and wrote the details of the show on the back. We then propped the photo in the mirror by the front door in the living room as a reminder. When the art director was going around swapping out all of our photos and pictures in the room, he must have missed one. And as a result, these Brothers are now technically in a porno that was shot at my house.Porn Shoot

The third and final part of this saga happened when three months later we were on tour with the Brothers and my tour manager waited until we were all in the same room and forced me to tell them this very story. I broke out in hives. He has the whole thing on tape.

**Just so everyone knows, this is what our living room ACTUALLY looks like.

PORNORYOURSPARTII1-ALISONINWONDERLAND

Porn or Yours?

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There’s a really fun game that we played one year at our Superbowl party called “Porn or Yours.” It’s where your friends guess if objects in your living room are yours, or for porn.

Let me explain.

A week before the Superbowl my roommates and I were talked into having a porn shoot at our house (a friend of a friend of a friend..don’t judge). Anyway, we decided to do it. $1000 bucks cash for one day of shooting in our living room? How could we resist? The shoot was on a Wednesday. The Art Director came in with his crew and they rearranged all of our furniture and re-decorated. After they were finished setting up he got a phone call saying the shoot had to be rescheduled. (I’m trying to keep this as PG as I can, so let’s just say one of the girls wasn’t allowed to work because she failed a certain required test.) They needed to reschedule for the following week so they would have time to find a new “actor.” He offered us an extra $500 if we would keep our house set up the way it was. Obviously we accepted. And then we realized we were having a Superbowl party that coming Sunday.

Our living room now had glass roses on the mantel, a wire mannequin with disco balls inside, a weird elephant candle holder (which we kept), floral wall decals on the fireplace and cheesy pillows and candles everywhere. (If those decorations don’t say “Superbowl Sunday” then I don’t know what does.)

The rules were simple: point to an object and decide whether it was pre-owned, or for the porn shoot. Needless to say, “Porn Or Yours” was a huge hit.

The game was actually a bit of a challenge at times. There was a rod with metallic like strings coming out the top of it. Our friend confidently said, “Porn!” but alas, it was ours.  (Apparently cat toys resemble other types of toys, too.)

Oh and by the way – DON’T EVER HAVE A PORN SHOOT AT YOUR HOUSE. I am scarred for life and will never look at my couch again without thinking of that dreadful day. Apologies to the people reading this who have come to stay but didn’t previously know this story.

I was however really excited about the glass roses because I was hoping to recreate The Bachelor Season 11, but no one else was interested.

PORNORYOURS2-ALISONINWONDERLAND

Kredit Kards

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Two years ago my credit card was stolen. My bank called me and asked if I was shopping at a Home Depot in Miami, Florida. I laughed and told them that a Home Depot would be the last place I would be if I were in Miami and they cancelled the card. The following month I got another phone call from my bank. They asked me if I had purchased $1,500 worth of porn recently. I politely said “no” and they cancelled my card.

After having two cards stolen I started to be OCD about checking every last transaction on my statement. The next month there was a mysterious charge for $18.00 titled “KK” on my statement from a few weeks before. I immediately called my bank and asked if they could provide more details. They said the charge was from a fast food establishment but that was all the detail they had.

Finally, I was furious. This would be the third time my card had been stolen in a year. I started yelling about how I don’t eat fast food (lie) and even if I did, that I could never spend 18 whole dollars there and how ridiculous and frustrating it is to have to get a new card yet again. It was when I hung up the phone that it occurred to me what KK stood for. Krispy Kreme. I forgot that I had bought two dozen doughnuts that week. It was my friend’s birthday who loved boston creme pie doughnuts so I was planning on getting her a few. When I got to the store, I decided to buy two dozen because….well, it just seemed like a smarter purchase at the time.

My pride almost got the best of me when I thought for a moment that I should just let the credit card company think it was fraud and see what would happen but then I realized going to jail for credit card fraud might also take a toll on my pride so I called back and apologized for my mistake……….and overreaction.

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