This story is about how I caught a potato on fire, but before I talk about that I have to tell you about my cardboard cutout of Robert Pattinson.
When I moved to LA, my friends got me this cutout of Rob with a sign that said “Welcome To LA.” We used him to ride with us to the airport to greet our friends when they visited or to walk the red carpet when we had our Grammy Parties. He was very useful.
I lived in a studio and there wasn’t much space so I kept Rob in my closet (now I know which outfits of mine go best with a 6’1” man in a purple shirt). I had contemplated breaking Rob down and putting him in the little storage closet I had because every time I would open up my closet door I would forget he was in there and freak out. One time I left my closet door open and caught a glimpse of his reflection in my balcony door. I saw my life flash before my eyes.
For some reason, I couldn’t put him in the storage closet. I was starting to grow accustomed to having him in my closet. Also, I lived in a studio….and sometimes I would talk to myself and it was kind of nice to pretend I was talking to someone other than myself, even if he was a cardboard cutout.
So that brings us to the potato incident.
Every time I would try to cook a GD potato in the oven the smoke alarm would go off. Every. Single. Time. So one night I decided to cook it in the microwave. I put it in for 10 minutes and went over to my couch to get on my computer and watch some TV. A few minutes went by and I started to smell something burning. I ran over to the microwave and saw smoke pouring from the microwave. I opened up the door – which let oxygen in – and huge flames ignited around my potato. I got a pot full of water and got rid of the flames but smoke had clouded my entire tiny studio from corner to corner. The smoke alarm was going off so I opened up the balcony door and jumped on my bed where the smoke alarm was and started waving a towel to clear the air. The closet door was open and Rob was standing there. I actually looked at him as if he were a real live person and said the words “A LITTLE HELP PLEASE!” But he just stood there staring at me with that contemplative look on his face.
After the smoke cleared (literally) I folded him up and put him in the storage closet. I didn’t need any more proof that my relationship with Rob had gone a little too far.